As much as I like to come here and write my little midnight rambles ( it's currently 11.36pm ) I am well aware that I have no place within the blogging community . I've come to the conclusion in my short time out in the real blogging world that is it a very cliquey place . I can't go round befriending the beauty bloggers and expecting them to read my ramble back because I don't write about nail varnish on a regular basis .I can't fit in with the crafters because I was once cried in a design technology lesson I found the sewing machine so hard to use.I'm not good at d.i.y or saving money and I don't have a gorgeous young family I can write about . Short of becoming a prostitute and using this as inspiration I'm lost.
I'm a lost soul really .Both in real life and online .I've always felt like I never quite knew what I wanted or ever found anything I was particularly good at It's like that knowledge ,that power is tucked away in a part of my brain I don't have access too. I hate being asked to name skills or for what I'm good at ,"there must be something " they say when there really isn't . I'm a strong swimmer but I'm not an Olympic athlete , I like writing but I can't spell or produce anything worthy.
It's incredibly frustrating to have no "niche " ,no thing that you can say "That's my thing " I'm really passionate about that or I'm really excellent ,an expert.My passions are standard not quirky enough. Perhaps by the age of twenty -six I should have got over having no discernible talents . Not that talent is ever really needed to "make" something of yourself now , all you need good looks and a passion for fake tan .Get these and you can make your fortune appearing on reality t.v .Unfortunately my experience of fake tan is minor ,I'm butters and don't come from a recognisable region ie Essex .I even sent a video to audition for Big Brother this year such was my desperation to do something,anything.Fortunately given this years crop of absolute bastards they didn't call me.
Maybe it's being a bastard or bitch that gets you places in life? as they say the nice guy always finishes last . I'm resolutely nice ,I hate falling out with people and confrontation makes me cringe .This is probably why I always end up being walked all over but that is a story for another blogpost . It also means that I back down too easy ,I avoid any kind of feedback because it makes me squirm inside .To give you an idea of how far this reaches with me ,in my entire time at university I never once spoke to a tutor about my work not even my dissertation.I just did the work ,handed it in and accepted the (poor) marks .Such was my fear of having it ripped apart and ridiculed . If I become more hard faced ,pushed myself ,shoved others out the way would I get anywhere in life? If I spammed a 100 blogs praising myself would I suddenly become a success or just highly annoying?
I wonder if I am totally abnormal ? To feel like there is a space in world waiting for you but you've not reached it. Like your living in parallel universe somewhere doing the things your meant to ,while the real you sits in your real life totally missing out . The parallel you is there just stuck behind reinforced glass you can't break down. That's reinforced glass made of money issues,missed opportunity and self confidence.
I'm not getting any younger ,the days and weeks go by faster and faster and I wonder will I ever smash down the glass? Look back myself now and laugh at the "bad times" surrounded by my children and grandchildren safe in the knowledge that everything worked out in the end .I really wish I knew because it would makes things a hell of a lot easier.
Goodnight .
No comments:
Post a Comment