Another Midnight ramble : How not to date someone.

It's very rare that I sleep before 1am these days , I just don't get tired or I find myself distracted without realising how late is it getting . So maybe a little life update or a bit of a ramble is in order ? 


So onto somewhat of an life update .It seems that I'm now single ,not that I ever really went as far as to clarify myself as not so ( ie facebook officialdom) . To be honest ,I've basically wanted this for for weeks and months and I haven't had the courage to just say " You're nasty ,please leave me" ( bonus prize for getting this talky bit of a song..) .I am single by silence ,if that is possible.Not a peep form either us for over a week now . Clearly loves young dream . The fact that I do not give one iota if I received any communication says it all really . As much as it is probably a bit silly to throw away any potential men at my age ,this one was all wrong . Here is why.


                     * THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU WANT TO DATE THE LACEY ONE*


. Insist that I always travel a 2 hour ,3 train journey . Never visit yourself .
. Provide the sum total of a dry cheese sandwich during the duration of her stay.
. Not only ,never pay for anything but always expect Lacey to pay for everything.
. Meet her in a pub and don't bring your wallet .
. Text her the same message every morning . Template ?
. Insist that she walk everywhere .Carrying suitcase sized tote bag
. Never allow her to leave your room during said stay.Basically kidnap her.
. Introduce her to your friends as your girlfriend .When no discussion has taken place.
. Maintain massive mood swing all day when asked what was wrong , reply that your xbox annoyed you .
. Be utterly unequivocally the dumbest person I have ever meet.
.Disappear for a week at the time and then randomly message like it's normal.
.Be corny /cheesy 


I can't say that I am massively experienced in this field but even I know that is "relationship " was utter garbage .If I told you way I even meet him you would realise how utterly stupid and doomed it was from the start . What I've learnt is that despite being desperate for a long time and having this burning desire to join the ranks of the "smug marrieds " maybe I'm just not ready for it ? I am really am the most underdeveloped person of my age ( see how I tactfully avoid the true extent of age there ) .


I've learnt a lot about settling , before this I was sure I would settle for anyone who would have me . It didn't matter ,fat or stupid with two heads I'd have probably married you if you asked . Now I realise that I really am pretty intolerant , it is Mr right or no one at all now . This has been the first time that that coin as been flipped and I wasn't the one that seemed so madly in lust .I have practically spent the last five years falling from one person to another , never getting anything like the affection I wanted back and that is probably way I was willing to let the negatives slide but in the end even I couldn't look past all the things that annoyed , irritated and were just plain wrong . 


I am a girl , I want that feeling the pit of my stomach when I see them .I want to go weak at the knees ,to want to rip there clothes off there back!. When you've had that , it makes much harder to try and recreate it when it's just not there . How can anything match up to that feeling?  It can't ,you just can not fake it not matter how you try . Somewhere out there , there has to be someone who can do that for me? One that feels the same way ? 

Shit unemployed people say .

 I am soo making this a video . yes?

."No ,I can't come I have no money , No seriously I can't .. O.K ill come ,I'll just walk home and do they still do that £4.99 vodka in Asda?"

."But I have degree!! "

."I wish I'd worked harder at uni "

."I wish I'd done some voluntary work"

."Shall I become a teacher? "

." £8000?!

."I totally applied for five jobs this week are you accusing me of lying?!"

."No ,I don't have a drug problem and yes I can read"

."These are not my people "..

." Requires HGV licence ..meh I can do that .apply!"

." Painting myself gold and juggling swords? I'm in!"

." Bus or Food? ...decisions ...Food "

."Did you see Jeremy Kyle this morning?"

." I swear I had money in there earlier ..."

." 99p? ..Bit steep "

." I am going to volunteer ,it'll look good on my c.v "

." That was totally pointless waste of four hours of my life"

." I only worked there two weeks ,that can go on my c.v right?"

." I should get pregnant right?" 

." Stop moaning ,just be glad you HAVE a job"

." Seriously how did they get that job?!"

." Six references!? It's for not mi5!"

." They said I was overqualified!" 

." Are you free on Wednesday afternoon?" 

." I'm writing a book /becoming a blogger 

." When are the big brother auditions this year?"

x

The midnight ramblings : Beauty Disaster zone.

Linda!

The curse of the midnight rambling . The more I read about blogging ,the mean I hear that it is serious business and you can't  just ramble for while in the middle of the night? well who cares ,who invented the blogging rulebook!

I'm currently lying ,in the dark .I can hear my dad snoring and my face is really hurting .It feels like I have serious sunburn . I have pretty rubbish skin to start with , really dry and a bit spotty .I stupidly decided that I would use some fake tan ( st moriz ,why can't they spell! ) mixed with lotion to perk up my pasty face ( yes that is pasty,spotty and dry ,thanks skin gods! I win!) Unfortunately I have the WORLDS  MOST SENSITIVE FACE and now my chin is burning .I tried to do a " sudocrem face mask '' and it felt like I was stabbing my face into a million red hot needles .Sudocrem I tell thee! It's for babies bums! My face is less resilient than a babies arse! 

I am such a fail when I comes anything beauty related . Removing my hairy face? ( hairy! check that off the list skin gods! ) I always end with a burning ,bleeding red spotty face and yes I know about water ,and moisturiser it makes no difference .Dying my hair? Well that'll be orange ,or at least patches missed out , usually ones with wiry grey hair obviously sprouting from the top of my head . The terrible facial disaster doesn't allow for easy make up application either . I look like a Labrador with biscuit crumbs stuck in it's fur . 

For years and years , I stuck " be high maintenance " at the top of my new resolutions list ( and there was an actual paper list ,large ) .I longed to be those girls who always looks "together " ,make up ,tan ,nice hair . I've watched endless beauty videos on youtube ,read the blogs but I know it'll never be me .I just don't have the fundamentals to start with or the wherewithal to simply buy everything I would need to look remotely like that. Which would be a cosmetics warehouse and several *cough*many*cough* procedures. Top to toe ,oh it's all planned when I get my lottery win .

There isn't a lot I don't fail that really , as discussed here .I decided to go on a small diet this week , knowing I couldn't lose that much weight in the time left . Next week, I will wearing this dress :

Lets just say there is even less of it than this picture alludes to . It was a seriously tight spanxs or no food situation  ,at least not carbs for 10 days . Then I researched the "master cleanse " the celebrity fix for losing lots of weight quickly. It seemed like a great idea ,that was in till I did some research and figured out it just gives you an explosive bottom. 

I even bought a load of lemons well it turns out lemons ,water,pepper and maple is disgusting who knew? ,seriously I couldn't even finish a glass let alone 12 ! . My mum is now making lemon meringue pie with the remaining lemons . A healthy alternative,I think you'll agree .So next it was no" carbs before marbs" ,that should be easy right? I ate a doughnut for breakfast on the first morning . I astound myself will how ridiculous I am .

So instead ,I shall be waddling up to my friends wedding reception with fat falling from spanx , a downy face and a stray grey hair or two because I'm not prefect and never I will be ,no matter how much I try . Come and get me boys! 

*spelling and grammar disclaimer .I writethese late and my spelling + Grammar are terrible trying daylight hours ,so forgive me  if i'm not Shakespeare 

Politics and chemistry: Friends with benefits

Friends with benefits .Everyone knows what this means. Having that guy or girl at your disposal for no strings attached ‘fun’ .Just two friends having meaningless sex for mutual benefit. It seems like an easy equation on paper, your friends and your single why not do each other a favour. At first it seems like an utterly great idea, hey were both single, were mates how about it? What can possibly go wrong?

Truthfully In practice it can be lot harder than you think.

Firstly choose your partner in crime carefully, how good a friends are you? Could you bear to lose them as a friend should relations go sour? They might have been one of your best mates for years, but when emotions and sex get in the way you could be saying goodbye to a perfectly good friendship for the sake of a quick bunk up. Think closely about what the history between you is, if there are underlying issues between you .Weather it be baggage from a former relationship or emotion issues one of you is bringing to the bedroom. Casual sex isn't the time to be pouring you heart out post coital .In fact don't be  naive to think there is a post coital time in these relationships .

Before you even consider starting a sexual relationship without genuine romantic feelings, be sure to set out the ground rules, who calls who, when is it even appropriate or how often do you want to hook up ?. It can be hard to lose the preconceptions that are given in conventional relationships, there is no obligations to text call or even ask you how your day at work was. When your partner isn’t a close friend you see socially , don’t expect to see your lover any other time but for sex. If you start to text them sweet nothings or call them nightly then you’re not in the right kind of relationship. 

As much as we like to think were all super relaxed modern types who can separate love and sex, it might be lot harder than you think. If one party suddenly decides that they want more out of the situation than just sex, it can be heartbreaking when they are rejected by the unwilling party. It is true is biologically true that girls are wired to connect emotion to sex , more than men no matter how much we may deny it . Be clear from the outset that your friendship will never be the same again once you been their naked nether regions, everything will change from the moment you slip those pants off.

Ultimately don't go into the relationship expecting a happy fairytale ending , the chances are that your not Mila Kunis  or Natalie Portman in those terrible movies ,things could end badly and you have to be prepared to accept the possible consequences . The most important is to have fun ,don't take it too seriously ,for the love of god don't fall in love  and of course be safe ;)

Top tips for successful F.W.B ( I didn't say I was successful but I where I went wrong!)

1.)   If you’re the girl half, never seem desperate. It's not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. No inane texting or calling . Keep it simple .

2.)   Avoid friends ex boyfriends / Lovers .It more hassle than it’s worth. Plus sharing is pretty gross.

3.) If you start to develop less than platonic feelings .Confess and move on ,save yourself the possible heartache.

4.)   If your not happy and start to feel used (any more than your are) end the relationship pronto. The relationship should be on equal terms

Happy sexytime !