Shit unemployed people say .

 I am soo making this a video . yes?

."No ,I can't come I have no money , No seriously I can't .. O.K ill come ,I'll just walk home and do they still do that £4.99 vodka in Asda?"

."But I have degree!! "

."I wish I'd worked harder at uni "

."I wish I'd done some voluntary work"

."Shall I become a teacher? "

." £8000?!

."I totally applied for five jobs this week are you accusing me of lying?!"

."No ,I don't have a drug problem and yes I can read"

."These are not my people "..

." Requires HGV licence ..meh I can do that .apply!"

." Painting myself gold and juggling swords? I'm in!"

." Bus or Food? ...decisions ...Food "

."Did you see Jeremy Kyle this morning?"

." I swear I had money in there earlier ..."

." 99p? ..Bit steep "

." I am going to volunteer ,it'll look good on my c.v "

." That was totally pointless waste of four hours of my life"

." I only worked there two weeks ,that can go on my c.v right?"

." I should get pregnant right?" 

." Stop moaning ,just be glad you HAVE a job"

." Seriously how did they get that job?!"

." Six references!? It's for not mi5!"

." They said I was overqualified!" 

." Are you free on Wednesday afternoon?" 

." I'm writing a book /becoming a blogger 

." When are the big brother auditions this year?"

x

Chance Encounters.

Love isn't easy to find ,especially when your constantly searching for it .They say you should just wait and it will turn up when you least expect it .How do you know that the chance encounter you just had isn't something more significant ? Or do you go out on a limb and hope for the best ? Seize the day and similar cliches.

This weekend was tale of two halves a possible ending and possible beginning.All with in  the space of 24 hours .I started out on my three train ,two hour journey to visit my current "romantic interest '' ,unfortunately my visit was supposed to be the end of this current situation.The distance and a general lack of feelings on my part mean that it must come to end soon.It's just that breaking up & hearts ,well it's kind of hard who knew?

My second train,the bulk of my journey was a busy one travelling between two larger cities with multiple connections and I was forced to share a table with a stranger.He remained a stranger for around 30 seconds ,he smiled and we instantly began chatting. If you had happened to walk past yesterday you would be forgiven for thinking we were already friends. We chatted about everything it was possible to in an hour or so,there were also were outrageous amounts of eye contact .We told each other lots of silly stories and embarrassing tales ( he showed me his cringeworthy power ballad collection,his face almost touching mine has we lent over his Ipod together )

''I can't believe I'm saying this to a stranger '' we said several times .It was like being on the easiest date in the world and there was no alcohol involved at all .Who says we need social lubricant to meet anyone these days? 

I managed to establish most of the vitals were he lives,his occupation and relationship status without trying.He also gave me his full name ,making it easy to contact him ( yes I've facebook stalked already,who wouldn't?  ) .I was genuinely sad when the train pulled in at my stop and I had to leave him ,his journey a full 3 hours longer than mine .I was sadder than when I left my current ..well I'm not really sure what he is that is another story for a different blog post.

I've yet to decide what to do ,do I leave it has a chance encounter with a lovely guy ? Do I sent a friendly message on Monday? .The worst he can do is not reply right? or will I look like crazy stalker train girl? 

21st century failure -Filthy ,useless,ashamed.

I am a failure.

1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.
2. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
3. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.

You might think that, It would be hard for too admit that but it is true .I've had a lot of bad luck I will concede that, but still I fail at life .My current life is comparatively much worse than my peers. This in no sort terms makes me a failure .I has failed in every aspect of grown up, adult life. Hence why I’ve managed to post a fair few blogs on this page without ever really discussing anything about myself. Yes ,if you choose to read this page fully , you will know that I am victim of unrequited love ,that I got around at bit at university and that I don't consider myself very attractive .None of this matters if you knew the extent to which I am a failure . So much so that I avoid my extended family because I don't wish to update them on my life .I have failed because I am.

Unemployed.

It shouldn't be a dirty word today, when it affects so many people but it makes me feel filthy, useless and ashamed. The true number of unemployed in the U.K no doubt extends way beyond the government statistics, if you not collecting benefits you don't get included .Who knows how many people there really are, stuck in the same situation as me but I feel totally alone in my plight. The typical idea of long term unemployed people is that they are scroungers, that they choose this path, uneducated and unwilling to change their situation. How incredibly narrow minded you must be to really still believe this? Only the truly ignorant could still be holding this view .I am an intelligent and educated woman ,yet I find myself rejected for manual unskilled jobs on a regular basis and I ask myself how has my life come to this point ?

Wrong time? Wrong place?

I grew up in a generation actively encouraged to go to university, open to all they said acceptance expanded to the put where almost all my school and college friends attended university at some point. I know now looking back, that I wasn't suited to higher education at that advanced level. A few decades earlier my time at university would never have happened. The subject I choose to study was interesting to me but ultimately useless to the employer. It was when I was deep into university and already in considerable debt that I realized my time had been wasted academically and ultimately professionally .Personally I had grown up a great deal ,socially I was having the time of my life but deep down I knew I had a made a mistake.

Not wishing to waste both time and the money ,I stayed on .Eventually graduating after  four years with a degree and the vague idea that life would work itself out eventually  ,hadn’t it for every one else ? What I didn't count on was a recession hitting ,practically the day I graduated .For two years I worked at any job I could find ,seasonal jobs ,jobs that lasted just a few weeks and then it all came to end ,there were no jobs for me any more . I’d wasted years ,finding any job possible just to get by and then I wasn't a graduate anymore no one cared about the letters at the bottom of my c.v .The window of opportunity seemed  to close ,several years worth of graduates appeared metaphorically so in my rear view mirror.

I found myself with no where left to turn, over unqualified but under experienced. A victim of circumstance. Unable to afford to retrain, too old for government schemes. I am not wishing this blog post ,hiding in a tiny corner of the web to become political stance nevertheless it would be interesting to see ,what Mr. Cameron or any of his associates which suggest someone like me does next ?

There have been times in the last year, when I am not afraid to admit I have felt like ending it all .Like I can't go on, being this useless person I have become. I find it hard to motivate myself to even get up on some days  It can feel pointless to face another day of rejection. Recently I checked out job centre plus, after reading comments about the rise of fake job adverts, the general consensus being they are used to lead us ‘the unemployed ‘to believe there are jobs out there .That we are all lazy for not finding and filling them I scrolled through around five new jobs, all of which out of my remit before I hit ''regional'' jobs which may or may not have even existed. 

Being unemployed ,effects your own life ,every aspect is slowly  ruined .You lose your friends because you can no longer afford to socialize with them or they begin to attach a stigma to you that your now lazy and should just ''get a job '' .Dating becomes impossible ,no one wants to date a girl with no prospects .The chances of leaving home to even rent become impossible .The debts pile up because you have no money to pay them back .The job centre will helpfully cut you off to fend for yourself after six months . If wasn't for having kind generous and loving parents, I would probably be homeless on the streets by now. What kind of country I have been brought up in, that someone working hard, gaining the education I was brought up being told I so desperately needed to get, can end up in this kind of impossible situation?

I put a spell on you.

This is a subject ,that I have always wanted to try my hand at writing about it . It's a sensitive and personal issue ,it's also private to the individual .No one will quite understand it ,unless they experience it's painful wrath. Some ,no doubt will laugh and scorn at those of us who have been there. It isn't a laughing matter.I am not talking about a deadly disease or a crippling disability ,I am talking about Love .The most painful ,heart wrenching confusing kind of them all .The unrequited kind.


From a distance it is easy to ridicule ,condemn these people as bunny boilers and stalkers .In true cases this couldn't be further from the ,imagine you can't even bring yourself to send a friendly Hi to a friend ,because you analysis everyone word you send,terrified that your feelings are obvious in every word you type.That they will brand you ,that they will know.The smallest forms of communication are meet with heart beating panic ,what do I say? how do I reply? do I even reply? will they know? will they care ?

Many would say it isn't love ,if it's one sided .I disagree ,it's often said that it can only really be lust .Lust is fleeting , an intense and physical feeling for someone based solely on physical attraction .Love ,can not be described ,when asked what it is about the person you like so much.It's impossible to answer ,it's just them ,a feeling a vibe however you choose to put it.Everything about them is just seemingly prefect.


It possible to spend infinite amounts of time privately harbouring these feelings ,unable to confess.Perhaps they were already in a happy relationship or you counted them as totally out of your league .Sometimes the dam breaks and you can no longer hide the feelings and it's time to confess .Weather it be ,a drunken outburst or planned purge ,things will never be same again.There are only two options now ,the dream scenario in which they feel the same way or the likely scenario ,they are just your friend and that's the way it will stay.


This when the true pain starts ,hidden feelings always have a small glimmer of hope .You can still dream of your happy ever but then the truth is out and you've got to get on with it ,be mates or say goodbye to them altogether.This is why so many people wait or never confess ,inner pain is better than losing the person all together.You might stop contacting them at all , your going to look like a stalker now .Normal social activities become taboo ,best not text them ,can't post on there Facebook ,can't invite them for a drink .Must keep away .You start to lose them all together and before you know it they have left your life all together.What follows is a period of mourning ,feeling sorry for yourself ,wishing that you could live in alternate universe ,that your Gwyneth Paltrow in sliding doors ( not the one side where she dies obviously ) .That they would only just change there mind.

Over time ,the feelings obviously fade ,once the dust has settled .You might not cry any more ,they may rarely cross your mind .It's only when out of blue a messages arrives or you here word on them,that the little spark ignites again ,perhaps it doesn't burn as hard as it once did but it's still there.It doesn't just switch off ,through time or distance it's always going flicker with that feeling of ..What if ?