21st century failure -Filthy ,useless,ashamed.

I am a failure.

1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.
2. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
3. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.

You might think that, It would be hard for too admit that but it is true .I've had a lot of bad luck I will concede that, but still I fail at life .My current life is comparatively much worse than my peers. This in no sort terms makes me a failure .I has failed in every aspect of grown up, adult life. Hence why I’ve managed to post a fair few blogs on this page without ever really discussing anything about myself. Yes ,if you choose to read this page fully , you will know that I am victim of unrequited love ,that I got around at bit at university and that I don't consider myself very attractive .None of this matters if you knew the extent to which I am a failure . So much so that I avoid my extended family because I don't wish to update them on my life .I have failed because I am.

Unemployed.

It shouldn't be a dirty word today, when it affects so many people but it makes me feel filthy, useless and ashamed. The true number of unemployed in the U.K no doubt extends way beyond the government statistics, if you not collecting benefits you don't get included .Who knows how many people there really are, stuck in the same situation as me but I feel totally alone in my plight. The typical idea of long term unemployed people is that they are scroungers, that they choose this path, uneducated and unwilling to change their situation. How incredibly narrow minded you must be to really still believe this? Only the truly ignorant could still be holding this view .I am an intelligent and educated woman ,yet I find myself rejected for manual unskilled jobs on a regular basis and I ask myself how has my life come to this point ?

Wrong time? Wrong place?

I grew up in a generation actively encouraged to go to university, open to all they said acceptance expanded to the put where almost all my school and college friends attended university at some point. I know now looking back, that I wasn't suited to higher education at that advanced level. A few decades earlier my time at university would never have happened. The subject I choose to study was interesting to me but ultimately useless to the employer. It was when I was deep into university and already in considerable debt that I realized my time had been wasted academically and ultimately professionally .Personally I had grown up a great deal ,socially I was having the time of my life but deep down I knew I had a made a mistake.

Not wishing to waste both time and the money ,I stayed on .Eventually graduating after  four years with a degree and the vague idea that life would work itself out eventually  ,hadn’t it for every one else ? What I didn't count on was a recession hitting ,practically the day I graduated .For two years I worked at any job I could find ,seasonal jobs ,jobs that lasted just a few weeks and then it all came to end ,there were no jobs for me any more . I’d wasted years ,finding any job possible just to get by and then I wasn't a graduate anymore no one cared about the letters at the bottom of my c.v .The window of opportunity seemed  to close ,several years worth of graduates appeared metaphorically so in my rear view mirror.

I found myself with no where left to turn, over unqualified but under experienced. A victim of circumstance. Unable to afford to retrain, too old for government schemes. I am not wishing this blog post ,hiding in a tiny corner of the web to become political stance nevertheless it would be interesting to see ,what Mr. Cameron or any of his associates which suggest someone like me does next ?

There have been times in the last year, when I am not afraid to admit I have felt like ending it all .Like I can't go on, being this useless person I have become. I find it hard to motivate myself to even get up on some days  It can feel pointless to face another day of rejection. Recently I checked out job centre plus, after reading comments about the rise of fake job adverts, the general consensus being they are used to lead us ‘the unemployed ‘to believe there are jobs out there .That we are all lazy for not finding and filling them I scrolled through around five new jobs, all of which out of my remit before I hit ''regional'' jobs which may or may not have even existed. 

Being unemployed ,effects your own life ,every aspect is slowly  ruined .You lose your friends because you can no longer afford to socialize with them or they begin to attach a stigma to you that your now lazy and should just ''get a job '' .Dating becomes impossible ,no one wants to date a girl with no prospects .The chances of leaving home to even rent become impossible .The debts pile up because you have no money to pay them back .The job centre will helpfully cut you off to fend for yourself after six months . If wasn't for having kind generous and loving parents, I would probably be homeless on the streets by now. What kind of country I have been brought up in, that someone working hard, gaining the education I was brought up being told I so desperately needed to get, can end up in this kind of impossible situation?