Reach for the stars.

It appears that this blog has become the latest in a long line of activities ,I am interested in or in fact more likely obsessed with but ultimately manage to forget about ,through nothing but my forgetfulness .I have a history of this ,both large and small.Perhaps It is an addictive personality or simply the inability to stick at anything for a long enough time.Ideas fly through my mind and I become wrapped up in them , scribbling them down on bits of paper at 3am ,writing word documents in the dark .Unfortunately they don't come to much . Mainly due to a crippling lack of confidence in my ability to achieve anything. At the moment ,it's learning French and investing in a guitar so I can finally play an instrument ,a skill I have decided I MUST have before I die .Will I achieve either of these things? the answer is no ,I won't because there will be something else next week or next month .My last attempt at educating myself ,was photoshop .It turns out that photoshop is incredibly hard to muster and I lacked the patience to create anything but a rather nice glowing neon lines ,plus the free trial ran out which didn't help . 


It's a constant source of worry,finding yourself at twenty-six years old and having forged no career whatsoever,no skills or the 10 year plan mapped out before me .I was never one those kids ,who defiantly knew what they wanted to do right from a young age.It must have been nice to have such determination and ambition so young.To wake one morning at the age of seven and declare yourself a doctor in the making.
I drifted from idea to idea throughout my childhood and adolescence,in fact I am still drifting to this day unsure what I am really suited too .My ambitions as a very young child ,were in short totally influenced by television and not in the way you would think.I didn't want to be actress or simply famous ,no I took inspiration from a less likely source of childhood wishes .The wonder that was and in fact still is Channel 4's time team ..

The Team.

I've always loved history ,right through from "Victorian Day" at Junior school ( boys dressed as chimney sweeps ,the girls as flower sellers ) to social history modules at university ,I read historical biographies for a challenge now.I was strangely addicted to this show ,with it's three crusty old middle aged men ,getting over excited about pieces of flint and ancient pottery .It was only when I got a little older ,becoming a teenage girl and less of a tomboy that I realized that digging around in the dirt for a living maybe wasn't my calling ,there like might be like worms and stuff .. There was also a brief period in I which flirted with the idea of being an auctioneer ,but this was fully based on how fun banging the gavel looked on 90s Antique based classic Lovejoy. 


Since the age of sixteen, my ambitions have been dwindling further down the career ladder ,I studied Journalism at college and set about this being my thing,I had finally found it .I loved accosting hostile locals outside Woolworths for a vox pop or two  & my sort lived canteen radio show which dramatically ended due to on air comments about the late Jade Goody ( She was alive and well ,& participating  in Big brother at this point ) .As with a lot of my short lived ambitions ,confidence or there lack of  got the better of me and I gave up my ambitions ,as too lofty for someone like me .A girl from the back end of no where with no connections.I went on to university ,simply because I didn't know what else to do ,possibly the worst reason for attending higher education there is .All I achieved from my time at university was a much more varied sexual history and an impending sense of doom.It turns out employers aren't keen to employ you if they have no idea ,what the subject you ''studied'' actually entails.

So I sit here ,eight years after I gave up on my initial dreams , and a hundred ideas others past since and I wonder what I am going to actually do with my life ,what is my purpose here.When will I find what I am looking for ? or when will it find me ?