50 Shades of Reality.

Recently I did something really silly .I bought to into the hype surrounding something .A book and I think you will gather what one . 


50 Shades of grey. 


Obviously I knew it was a so called erotic novel .I am not a prude so this did not worry me but I wasn't prepared for how utterly farcical the book would be in it's depictions of sex , particularly first time sex . Firstly It takes over a hundred pages before there is any sex at all which I guess is used to create tension of the sexual kind ( It doesn't ). The first hundred pages are spent with Ana our naive heroine apparently ever so  erotically biting her lip a lot and getting unusual "feelings " in her nether regions. I have issues with Ana , she is practically Austen in her utter naivety to the world and sex . This girl is meant to be a 21st century college student ? but she has never a " feeling " down " there ? Do me a favour. Perhaps is it just me inhabiting a world were girls like her simply don't exist that her found so utterly unbelievable. Aside from lacking in any plot ,it simply doesn't flow very well and even from someone with no literary background it was just appallingly written . 


After you have struggled through several chapters of not a lot aside from scenes with Ana and her pointless " tenacious " ( E.L James please find use your thesaurus to find a new adjective ) room mate Katherine who I saw no need for at all other than filler and a rather tenuous meeting with Mr grey .We finally hit the first sex scene and when we find out that ( as if we hadn't gathered already) that young miss Steele is a Virgin .Intact .Sealed .This happens shortly after she is introduced to the sex room called the " red room of pain ". As you do .What do you mean your virginity taker didn't have a sex dungeon ? Your so past it. 


Unsurprisingly this doesn't put Ana off the beautiful Mr Grey and we precede to what can only be described as the most unrealistic lose of virginity in the history of literature ,film or the world itself .I would like to appeal to anyone who as ever remotely had a first time like this one . Now I know it's fiction and the limits can be stretched ALOT, particularly as we know this is an erotic novel but really? I can only describe it as just silly . Silly nonsense The scene waffles on page after after page of flowery language in ,which Ana becomes the most receptive women to ever have sex . He touches her nipple she explodes in ecstasy ,he kisses her foot she is melting on the floor in a pool of hormones. She does more "shattering into a million pieces " than humpty dumpty.


Here I will translate a few passages into real life .


" He hovers over .I am squirming with need " / " He hang overs me ,I worried he will stick in without warning " 

"He Thrusts his finger inside me ,and I cry out .I groan " /While he fumbles in my nether regions he comes clear he needs to cut this fingernails .I groan IN PAIN.


"He kneels and pulls a condom onto this considerable length .oh no will it? how? " Is that it? 


"Oh I want this ..again " is it over yet? please stop your hurting me now .I've done it.


Then she as an orgasm from him banging away at her like a hammer and then she gives a rather expert blow job ,deep throat too of course . If first times were anything like this book then I think may of us would be married to the people we first had sexytime with not trying to hide down the bread aisle in Asda when we see them a decade down the line. As for Mr Grey himself our Handsome male lead , rather than falling in love with this literary stallion I couldn't get past his coldness and saw nothing redeeming in the character.


Then again I'm not a sadomasochist.


Perhaps my lack of previous with " erotic " novels meant I wasn't prepared for this book or it really is as bad as I think.

Reach for the stars.

It appears that this blog has become the latest in a long line of activities ,I am interested in or in fact more likely obsessed with but ultimately manage to forget about ,through nothing but my forgetfulness .I have a history of this ,both large and small.Perhaps It is an addictive personality or simply the inability to stick at anything for a long enough time.Ideas fly through my mind and I become wrapped up in them , scribbling them down on bits of paper at 3am ,writing word documents in the dark .Unfortunately they don't come to much . Mainly due to a crippling lack of confidence in my ability to achieve anything. At the moment ,it's learning French and investing in a guitar so I can finally play an instrument ,a skill I have decided I MUST have before I die .Will I achieve either of these things? the answer is no ,I won't because there will be something else next week or next month .My last attempt at educating myself ,was photoshop .It turns out that photoshop is incredibly hard to muster and I lacked the patience to create anything but a rather nice glowing neon lines ,plus the free trial ran out which didn't help . 


It's a constant source of worry,finding yourself at twenty-six years old and having forged no career whatsoever,no skills or the 10 year plan mapped out before me .I was never one those kids ,who defiantly knew what they wanted to do right from a young age.It must have been nice to have such determination and ambition so young.To wake one morning at the age of seven and declare yourself a doctor in the making.
I drifted from idea to idea throughout my childhood and adolescence,in fact I am still drifting to this day unsure what I am really suited too .My ambitions as a very young child ,were in short totally influenced by television and not in the way you would think.I didn't want to be actress or simply famous ,no I took inspiration from a less likely source of childhood wishes .The wonder that was and in fact still is Channel 4's time team ..

The Team.

I've always loved history ,right through from "Victorian Day" at Junior school ( boys dressed as chimney sweeps ,the girls as flower sellers ) to social history modules at university ,I read historical biographies for a challenge now.I was strangely addicted to this show ,with it's three crusty old middle aged men ,getting over excited about pieces of flint and ancient pottery .It was only when I got a little older ,becoming a teenage girl and less of a tomboy that I realized that digging around in the dirt for a living maybe wasn't my calling ,there like might be like worms and stuff .. There was also a brief period in I which flirted with the idea of being an auctioneer ,but this was fully based on how fun banging the gavel looked on 90s Antique based classic Lovejoy. 


Since the age of sixteen, my ambitions have been dwindling further down the career ladder ,I studied Journalism at college and set about this being my thing,I had finally found it .I loved accosting hostile locals outside Woolworths for a vox pop or two  & my sort lived canteen radio show which dramatically ended due to on air comments about the late Jade Goody ( She was alive and well ,& participating  in Big brother at this point ) .As with a lot of my short lived ambitions ,confidence or there lack of  got the better of me and I gave up my ambitions ,as too lofty for someone like me .A girl from the back end of no where with no connections.I went on to university ,simply because I didn't know what else to do ,possibly the worst reason for attending higher education there is .All I achieved from my time at university was a much more varied sexual history and an impending sense of doom.It turns out employers aren't keen to employ you if they have no idea ,what the subject you ''studied'' actually entails.

So I sit here ,eight years after I gave up on my initial dreams , and a hundred ideas others past since and I wonder what I am going to actually do with my life ,what is my purpose here.When will I find what I am looking for ? or when will it find me ?