Chance Encounters.

Love isn't easy to find ,especially when your constantly searching for it .They say you should just wait and it will turn up when you least expect it .How do you know that the chance encounter you just had isn't something more significant ? Or do you go out on a limb and hope for the best ? Seize the day and similar cliches.

This weekend was tale of two halves a possible ending and possible beginning.All with in  the space of 24 hours .I started out on my three train ,two hour journey to visit my current "romantic interest '' ,unfortunately my visit was supposed to be the end of this current situation.The distance and a general lack of feelings on my part mean that it must come to end soon.It's just that breaking up & hearts ,well it's kind of hard who knew?

My second train,the bulk of my journey was a busy one travelling between two larger cities with multiple connections and I was forced to share a table with a stranger.He remained a stranger for around 30 seconds ,he smiled and we instantly began chatting. If you had happened to walk past yesterday you would be forgiven for thinking we were already friends. We chatted about everything it was possible to in an hour or so,there were also were outrageous amounts of eye contact .We told each other lots of silly stories and embarrassing tales ( he showed me his cringeworthy power ballad collection,his face almost touching mine has we lent over his Ipod together )

''I can't believe I'm saying this to a stranger '' we said several times .It was like being on the easiest date in the world and there was no alcohol involved at all .Who says we need social lubricant to meet anyone these days? 

I managed to establish most of the vitals were he lives,his occupation and relationship status without trying.He also gave me his full name ,making it easy to contact him ( yes I've facebook stalked already,who wouldn't?  ) .I was genuinely sad when the train pulled in at my stop and I had to leave him ,his journey a full 3 hours longer than mine .I was sadder than when I left my current ..well I'm not really sure what he is that is another story for a different blog post.

I've yet to decide what to do ,do I leave it has a chance encounter with a lovely guy ? Do I sent a friendly message on Monday? .The worst he can do is not reply right? or will I look like crazy stalker train girl? 

I put a spell on you.

This is a subject ,that I have always wanted to try my hand at writing about it . It's a sensitive and personal issue ,it's also private to the individual .No one will quite understand it ,unless they experience it's painful wrath. Some ,no doubt will laugh and scorn at those of us who have been there. It isn't a laughing matter.I am not talking about a deadly disease or a crippling disability ,I am talking about Love .The most painful ,heart wrenching confusing kind of them all .The unrequited kind.


From a distance it is easy to ridicule ,condemn these people as bunny boilers and stalkers .In true cases this couldn't be further from the ,imagine you can't even bring yourself to send a friendly Hi to a friend ,because you analysis everyone word you send,terrified that your feelings are obvious in every word you type.That they will brand you ,that they will know.The smallest forms of communication are meet with heart beating panic ,what do I say? how do I reply? do I even reply? will they know? will they care ?

Many would say it isn't love ,if it's one sided .I disagree ,it's often said that it can only really be lust .Lust is fleeting , an intense and physical feeling for someone based solely on physical attraction .Love ,can not be described ,when asked what it is about the person you like so much.It's impossible to answer ,it's just them ,a feeling a vibe however you choose to put it.Everything about them is just seemingly prefect.


It possible to spend infinite amounts of time privately harbouring these feelings ,unable to confess.Perhaps they were already in a happy relationship or you counted them as totally out of your league .Sometimes the dam breaks and you can no longer hide the feelings and it's time to confess .Weather it be ,a drunken outburst or planned purge ,things will never be same again.There are only two options now ,the dream scenario in which they feel the same way or the likely scenario ,they are just your friend and that's the way it will stay.


This when the true pain starts ,hidden feelings always have a small glimmer of hope .You can still dream of your happy ever but then the truth is out and you've got to get on with it ,be mates or say goodbye to them altogether.This is why so many people wait or never confess ,inner pain is better than losing the person all together.You might stop contacting them at all , your going to look like a stalker now .Normal social activities become taboo ,best not text them ,can't post on there Facebook ,can't invite them for a drink .Must keep away .You start to lose them all together and before you know it they have left your life all together.What follows is a period of mourning ,feeling sorry for yourself ,wishing that you could live in alternate universe ,that your Gwyneth Paltrow in sliding doors ( not the one side where she dies obviously ) .That they would only just change there mind.

Over time ,the feelings obviously fade ,once the dust has settled .You might not cry any more ,they may rarely cross your mind .It's only when out of blue a messages arrives or you here word on them,that the little spark ignites again ,perhaps it doesn't burn as hard as it once did but it's still there.It doesn't just switch off ,through time or distance it's always going flicker with that feeling of ..What if ? 

Is that time already?

I seem to have reached an age and it's a shocking age, one I didn't see coming .The age at which all your peers start to get married .This feels an affront to me, how can I possibly have married friends? and not the types who marry impossibly young ( and divorce it too ) no, married at the national average age married .Been together 6 years already married .Always thought they'd get married one day ,married .Expect it suddenly is one day . It's crept up on me out of nowhere it seems .While I was busy partying and "messing around'' with inappropriate men ,who think a phone number exchange is a commitment too far ,they were all busy setting up the foundation for the rest of there lives .The absolute liberty.

 Barely a week seems to pass with out notice of another impending wedding or engagement notification ,hen party photos infiltrate my Facebook news feed daily .I don't even have a "steady" ( Four seasons of mad men in 10 days ,I am also bringing back the use of the word "swell" ) .It's 2012 you say ,why should I be worried because it's just the same as the 60s .I still want to feel normal ,to ''grow up" ,get married and have babies Sorry if this crushes a century of women's liberation .Expect I had my blinkers on and didn't quite realize it was that time already ,can't we carry on having fun for just a few more years? Is it that time already? 

I don't want to be saddled with the old maid label just yet ,despite being made to feel like I drag cobwebs by my own mother .I feel like I've forgotten to do something ,got an education ? Check? Made the most of my youth? Check? Someone how picked up appropriate husband material along the way? Dam I seem to have left him behind somewhere. 

"Mirror Mirror on the wall  ...who was it?”

Among my quarter life crisis's is the idea that perhaps I did meet him along the way .One of the inappropriate or the seemingly unobtainable ones .If I were a character in a chick lit novel ,I'd be tracking the culprits down just to check .Obviously resulting in a wedding to the best looking ,least likely candidate .

''No love, to be honest I'm not sure I even remember you? Are you sure we've even meet?''

Now it feels like I'm playing a game of catch up, so that I can join the ranks of the proper grown ups .In till then I will always be the youngest, where biologically or not .In till I start spending my weekends going to homebase and visiting in laws (This is what married people do no?), I might as well be a child.