Throw of a dice.

Life is a never ending set of what if , circumstances and chance . Everything that happens to us ,is all determined by the slightest decision .It might not seem like it but start thinking and you will realize just how fragile your very existence is . As we move from decision to decision throughout our lives, particularly when we are younger ,it’s easy to not see the bigger picture .To think beyond the next week, month or year. I can pinpointed a series of events that have lead up to were my life  is now .I don’t sit here thinking to myself ,how did my life end up in the disaster it is .The events are clear as day ,etched on my memory like scars . When I was about eleven years old ,I had very bad or shall we say terrifying experience at the dentist .From this I never went again (aside from once when I was 20) , and therefore I have horrific teeth to this day. Due this to men do not and will never fancy me .Consequently I am not married or do I have a prospect of this happening. Obviously as child in a dentist chair scared out of my wits, I had no idea of the consequences on my future life. Knowing that I was hideous to men ,I have taken up every bit of the paltry male attention I’ve received in my life .I’ve slept with men I’ve meet in taxi queues &  fallen in love with every man who ever showed the slightest hint of reciprocation of feelings. The consequences of being left on the shelf are financial, social and emotion .And all because of one fateful day in a dentists.

It’s true that I am a born pessimistic, I think a lot of us are , we find it easier to remember the bad decisions we’ve made in life rather than celebrate the positive . When I was seventeen I sat on a field with my then best friend ,smoked some weed and we decided to leave education ,rather than leaving the idea behind in drugged up haze I actually did that and messed up my whole life . If there is a parallel universe out there , then there is a very different version of me in it . She stayed at college ,went to university when she should have . I suspect she went to a better university , did a more worth course and graduated perfectly on time .Now parallel me has had a good job for five years ,she probably had the money to get those teeth fixed. Perhaps she even persuaded someone to marry her .I might even have kids, something I increasingly realize probably isn’t going to happen.

I guess it comes down to idea of whether or not life is mapped out for us from the start .Which puts a religious spin into the matter .I’m not remotely religious myself ,I find myself thinking too practically .If God existed ,he wouldn’t plan any ones life to be full of misery or heartbreak .  If I’d turned different corners would have ended up at the same destination? The circumstances of my even existing are quite ridiculous. A uprising in a foreign land leading to hasty decision to move to one of three countries, were by chance 15 years later (she having being forced out that night ) my dad meet my mum in a club.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be give mapped a guide to the future or would that give too much away ? perhaps if it were more like a game of chance? Because essentially that’s all life is anyway.