Finally!

Finally!

After two long months of email hacking and despair ,I am able to get back into my blog!!

It's nearly 2am right ,now and I've already spent half the night typing up some or other. ( book,novels etc that kind of swizzle) .Tomorrow I shall dedicated to revamping this place and getting back to what I seemed quite into while back.

Helen x

Internet anonymity : Are you ready for your close up?

I don't think I've really considered the impact of writing this blog .Right about now it's a tiny corner of the internet read by absolutely no one at all .I am insignificant , unremarkable to even the people who know me in real life .I rarely give it a thought ,that my postings could one day be analysed .Nobody does even unless there particularly narcissistic or very successful. When Jeremy Forrest went missing with Megan Stammers last week I bet he didn't give a second thought about how the trail he'd left on the internet would be scrutinised .His lovestruck and really quite awful lyrics picked to pieces ,his blog posts deemed self absorbed . Every inch of his life and personality has been looked at with a fine tooth comb ,perhaps you think he deserved that for what he did. I certainly don't think his wife deserved to her wedding pictures splashed across the papers.

Blogging is a incredibly self absorbed idea anyway ,your writing about your thoughts ,your feelings as if you expect someone out their to care what you have too say .I struggle to get anyone in my real life to care enough ,so quite how I think the rest of world will care I don't know .

What would the press say about me? That I was lonely ,worried about my future .That I was once a bit promiscuous. The truth is the press can manipulative you into being anything that fits their chosen story. I've been following the Stammers & Forrest story quite a bit  , he playing the part of the villain ,she the innocent school girl . Using a obviously out of date school photo doesn't fool me into thinking she was an unwilling accomplice . Forrest's supposed disturbing lyrics means nothing to me either.Who remembers these lyrics from about 10 years ago,I highly doubt any members of the band have now committed suicide.

Cut my life into pieces 
This is my last resort 
Suffocation 
No breathing 
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding 

While I engaged in a lively debate about the the supposed abduction of Megan on a popular forum ,such was the vitriol  flying around I didn't dare divulge my true feelings on the matter .Personally I think the idea that she was abducted is absolutely ridiculous , abduction is taken away against your will .People who are abducted get bound gagged and thrown in the back of cars ,they are not found happily strolling round cities in southern France taking photos and hugging their apparent captor . I totally gone off topic now ,it's funny now it's easy to express an opinion when no one is watching .We shouldn't be afraid of opinions ,those who aren't though get labelled mouthy and rude .It's best to just shut up and follow the general concensus most of the time. I very much doubt that the contents of his blog crossed Mr Forrest's mind as he crossed the channel with a 15 yr old .  

I don't think most of realize what were leaving behind on the internet everyday .If were checking in everyday then everything is fine ,if our blog is obscure then it's fine .I find it quite a sobering thought that my messed up brain and all it neuroses could one day be exposed to world. I suppose the important thing then is remain anonymous ,to never get into trouble or create infamy for ourselves . I'm sure that many of us have blog post or diaries or simply facebook messages we'd rather the rest of the world didn't see. 

We may see ourselves as one thing but rest of the world might view us differently all together.

Don't grow up it's a trap.

I write to you today from my bed ,why I lie with a monstrous hangover . The proportion of which I have not had for some time .A few years ago when I was much more social active young women ,I drank on far more regular basis and the hangovers were there but not enough to perhaps not start drinking again the next day. I've had some memorable morning afters in lifetime .Throwing up on the bus up the Gloucester road ,spending the entire day on the toilet floor just two examples.

Around 1am after many many drinks I found myself in the kitchen ,with the host basically wailing "I don't want to grow up " at each other .It's some ways that is true . The thing is  I'm not a proper grown up like my old friends are ,with their houses and weddings ,and serious jobs .I'm still a baby ,I'm still the same as I was at eighteen . It's not a case of not wanting to grow up at all ,I'd give my left arm to have those things (literally take it away in exchange for a house? ) . I just don't want to be become middle aged too soon .I still want to do silly things ,and mix my drinks and get terrible hangovers .I'm not ready to sit round sipping wine and discussing house prices . Partly because I'm never going to own a house ,partly because I'm not a lazy middle class cliche.

Someone said to me last night that we , at twenty -six coming up for twenty -seven are already half way through our lives .Half way ?! I was horrified at the thought . For start my life would have to end at 52 ,which is rather tragically early. While I realise that I have "lived a bit" ,had childhood & adolescence and been a young adult I don't feel like my life has even really began let alone half over.It's doesn't take a genius to work out why .I have so many milestones I haven't achieved ,the prospect of my life being already half over is terrifying .Does that mean if you get all you want,what is there left to aim for? I don't know . I guess that is why some people live in contentment with their lot ,while others have affairs or mid life crisis .

I wonder how many more nights there will be like last night . Free to drink ourselves silly ,"the no baby club" everyone one of us still childless .One day the drunken meets up will morph into coffee with sleeping babies in tow .Not for me ,though I'm going stay the same ,perceptually underachieving at simply living a normal life . Then will we simply lose any connection we ever had . People are changing , while I stay the same .I'm peter pan ,only my life is nothing like a fairytale.

"They don't remember the spice girls "

My gosh I'm a rubbish blogger . It's been far too long since I posted anything here .I do have a very lengthy post saved but I'm still debating weather or not too post it . My blog is already far more personal than I ever intended it to be . I thought it was moving away from diary style writing but it appears I am bit too used to writing that way . So what have I been musing about lately ? 

Well I sitting on the bus other day as you do ( if your a peasant like me) ,an excellent place to think and a source of people watching .You can't deny it ,everybody loves a spot of people watching . I think it was when I spotted two girls walking down the street ,normal teenagers nothing special . They wouldn't have look any different to me ten years. Then I starting thinking to myself ,how long is a generation? 

At what point does someone become out your generation ,do the the common factors disappear and you've basically got nothing in common . Five years? Ten years? I'm not sure I share many generation aspects with a thirty six year or for that matter a sixteen year old .I suspect the sixteen year would think I was old ,past it and didn't understand them at all . It's scary ,It doesn't feel that long ago I was a teenager but the last time I could count myself as one,that teenager was eight years old. 

A 15 year old today wasn't even born when the Spice girl were about ( for the first time) I mean seriously ? THEY.DON'T.REMEMBER.THE.SPICE.GIRLS.

Then I went all nostalgic ,as I tend to do a lot .And I come up with a list all the words ,crazes etc I remember from being a teenager .I worry if kids even use them today,or have they faded away in late 90s - early 00s oblivion .I don't know any teenagers personally to ask .I'm twenty six it would look a little weird ,if I marched  out to the crowds who suddenly appear in my street and ask them if they fancied sharing some cider. There is a word for people like that.

1.) Backwash - Never ever drink the end somebodies drink ,because apparently it's 99% their spit .In fact never ever drink anything you have haven't opened your self because they've probably spat in it . I haven't heard anyone use this since about 2001. 

2.) Gay - Circa when I was school .Everything bad was gay ie "school is gay " "This homework is gay " "Those trainers are gay " " Mr Clarke is gay "..you get the message .Do kids still do this? Or are they all right on and love the gays now ? are the gay kids camping it up in the corridors ,high kicking their way to maths perhaps?

3.) Lush - The opposite of gay .Lush is anything amazing . "This sausage roll is lush " " Ritchie from 5ive is lush "" Michael Owen is lush " "I'm going to the millennium dome next week ,it's going to be lush ".

4.) Halfmast - School trousers that were too short and socks could be seen . I hated this at school , I was paranoid about the length of my trousers .To the point were I wore ridiculously long trousers that covered my whole shoe at one point . Once my trousers were bit short and some cretin took the mick out of my socks .MY SOCKS! kids will pick on anything.

5.) Two stripe - Non branded PE clothing .Ie Gola . Ie "urghh two stripe " Not having three stripes for adidas on your ridiculous popper tracksuit bottoms . Also florescent trainers were very in . Lime green reeboks ,the height of cool circa 2000.

Oh so stylish with the accompanying ORANGE tracksuit .

6.) Bumming - Not what your thinking ,I didn't go to private school . Bumming happens when sharing cigarettes ,because your a teenager your sharing them obviously .I don't smoke ,never have done but on rare occasions I took part in either your standard fag or something a bit more cheeky I always got accused of bumming .Essentially getting the end of the fag wet ,so shock horror my spit would go in next person to suck what was left of it's mouth! Therefore I try to place whatever it was as lightly as possible on my lips, rendering it pointless and never getting high !

(I was going to included "bogging " here ,but since no one I have ever asked as ever heard this phrase aside from people from my home town I won't bother. I appeal to you though ,If you read this and know what I mean by bogging leave a comment below !)

I will leave you with this gem.

The dance routine 

The camouflage 

The fact two of them are still around .

The xx / coexist.Review?

One of favourite albums ,Is the XX - XX

I'm not a music reviewer ,I'm not a muso and I am no "dickhead " so I won't attempt to review it properly only to say that it is beautiful & melancholy .It's prefect for lying in dark rooms and doing a some thinking . It's not a happy album ,well that is understatement .It's about lying in your room and thinking about lost love or the meaning of your existence . I will never get bored of it , were as I can imagine a vast amount of people would find it unbearable dirge on the first listen .I'm not much of follower of new music ,in the sense I don't know when new music is going to be released .So when I saw a review of the new album by the xx I did get a little excited.

Everyone knows 2ND albums aren't the same ..

Words can not express how disappointed I was/am . While the first album was full of memorable tracks,I fell in love with , with lyrics that punched you in the face and heart . The new offering has nothing of the sort ,it's literally just noise to my ears .I feel nothing,the tracks go absolutely now where . One track was released months go "angels ".

I can understand why this was released early it's easily the best and most memorable track .Not one of the ten other tracks on "coexist" as made the impact . Put it this way ,normally one listen and I'll remember a track whether I like it or not. After two full listens ,I have to admit I turned it off and put on their first album  in disgust .For me music is very much chosen by mood , happy playlists ,depressing playlists ,writing playlists.Perhaps I'm being a little pretentious ,but unless it's cheesy pop music or something to dance to.I need music to actually make me feel something and this album made me feel nothing but bored and disappointed . Not something I actively choose to feel.

Throw of a dice.

Life is a never ending set of what if , circumstances and chance . Everything that happens to us ,is all determined by the slightest decision .It might not seem like it but start thinking and you will realize just how fragile your very existence is . As we move from decision to decision throughout our lives, particularly when we are younger ,it’s easy to not see the bigger picture .To think beyond the next week, month or year. I can pinpointed a series of events that have lead up to were my life  is now .I don’t sit here thinking to myself ,how did my life end up in the disaster it is .The events are clear as day ,etched on my memory like scars . When I was about eleven years old ,I had very bad or shall we say terrifying experience at the dentist .From this I never went again (aside from once when I was 20) , and therefore I have horrific teeth to this day. Due this to men do not and will never fancy me .Consequently I am not married or do I have a prospect of this happening. Obviously as child in a dentist chair scared out of my wits, I had no idea of the consequences on my future life. Knowing that I was hideous to men ,I have taken up every bit of the paltry male attention I’ve received in my life .I’ve slept with men I’ve meet in taxi queues &  fallen in love with every man who ever showed the slightest hint of reciprocation of feelings. The consequences of being left on the shelf are financial, social and emotion .And all because of one fateful day in a dentists.

It’s true that I am a born pessimistic, I think a lot of us are , we find it easier to remember the bad decisions we’ve made in life rather than celebrate the positive . When I was seventeen I sat on a field with my then best friend ,smoked some weed and we decided to leave education ,rather than leaving the idea behind in drugged up haze I actually did that and messed up my whole life . If there is a parallel universe out there , then there is a very different version of me in it . She stayed at college ,went to university when she should have . I suspect she went to a better university , did a more worth course and graduated perfectly on time .Now parallel me has had a good job for five years ,she probably had the money to get those teeth fixed. Perhaps she even persuaded someone to marry her .I might even have kids, something I increasingly realize probably isn’t going to happen.

I guess it comes down to idea of whether or not life is mapped out for us from the start .Which puts a religious spin into the matter .I’m not remotely religious myself ,I find myself thinking too practically .If God existed ,he wouldn’t plan any ones life to be full of misery or heartbreak .  If I’d turned different corners would have ended up at the same destination? The circumstances of my even existing are quite ridiculous. A uprising in a foreign land leading to hasty decision to move to one of three countries, were by chance 15 years later (she having being forced out that night ) my dad meet my mum in a club.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be give mapped a guide to the future or would that give too much away ? perhaps if it were more like a game of chance? Because essentially that’s all life is anyway.

Selling my old life .

I'm selling stuff on ebay .Not something I've done for a while , but it's dire straits here! There are mainly my old "clubbing" frocks and since I don't go clubbing any more ,they just sit in my wardrobe reminding me of the old days!!

I only wore this dress a few times but she could probably tell you some tales!! 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/simplekinda_life/m.html?item=221119061935&_trksid=p2047675.l2562&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&rt=nc

More to be added later! 

xx